So, this is what it feels like. To have a knot in your stomach, made with a rope of snakes coiled together. Slithering in my stomach like it's meal time. Hungry. Eating at my guts. Crawling their way up to my throbbing heart. Twisting and choking. My body converted into a playground of the spineless. Trying to make me feel spineless too. Petrified of telling the truth. Of admitting defeat. Of saying, "No, I can't".
Saying no has never come easy to me. No matter how hard I try, I eventually nod my head in submission. Yes to this. Yes to that. Yes to something I have no interest in. Why I do it, I never know; but I almost instantly regret saying yes to something I don't have my heart in. That's because I never end up finishing it. It's my personal sin. People procrastinate. I never bother. I know from the very beginning that I'm not going to do this.
Yes, this level of certainty would come in very handy when I have to say no. But no, this certainty rests till it knows I've said yes and have gone and fucked myself yet again. Till then, it just sits on the edge and watches, waiting to jump off any moment. "Boo. I'm here. I'm here to make you happy. Who needs this. Go do something else. Something you love. Watch TV. Nothing good on TV? No sweat. Watch reruns. Read. Make love. Do something. Anything. But do not do what you set out to do. Don't even whisper it to yourself. Don't even fleetingly mention it."
So, hours go by. Days and months mean nothing but just numbers and words. Immaterial. I go on ignoring. Blissfully unaware of the passing deadlines. I pull my usual stunts. When they get desperate, I produce a little work. I'm usually good at what I do, so whatever I pull lasts them a few more months. Ah. Repeat. My life moves on loop. Again, hours go by. Days and months go by. I go on ignoring. I'm in my happy place. I live there till one day there is a feeling of remorse. Ah. The bitch. Nothing worse than feeling remorse. The what ifs. The maybes. It's time to come clean. How did it get so complicated?
Today is one of those days. I fucked up. Yes, I said yes, when I meant no. But I did that a year ago. Today is the day I regret my fine decision. The day I tell these people, "I really meant to say no. No, I never meant to nod my head. My head forgot to consult with my heart. Really. It happens. It happens all the time." It's a little girl's voice. I don't know this voice. But i have to use this voice. It sounds broken. Demands sympathy. Demands reason.
Right now I wait. I prepare. I wait for the meeting to begin. It's five thirty. He's an hour and a half late. I'm sitting in a stuffy room with black glass for windows. The sofa, comfortable, striped green and beige, looks like it belongs in a beach house rather than a corporate office. Offices like these need leather. Uncomfortable. Noisy. Makes you feel ill at ease. There are 15 mini TVs in front of me. Sigh. 15 TVs, 5 dark windows. My personal hell. I wait to be damned.
